Landys ghost
05-28-2010, 03:10 PM
Ive tried, from my fading memory and scratchy LP , to remember this brilliant script which sums up religion so brilliantly
Pete : [ in very bored voice] Wanna cup of tea Dud?
Dud : Thank yew nuffin' like a nice cup of tea
Pete ; ........"I was reading the Bible the other day...I was reading that bit about Izemar begettin Omah and Omah begatting this other bloke,and do you know how much begatting there is in the bible?
Dud ; Adam and Eve,funny how they could make all them different coloured people
Pete; well it's an allergy Dud,the Bible is a historical record. Of course, when you fink of it the whole thing could be a hoax,I mean you might be good Christian all your life,go to church each sunday,pop yer clogs and theres Buddha larfing all over his stupid chinese face his belly wobbling, saying "nah nah you were wrong, we were right" sends you back as a worm
Dud:"What would you come back as Pete? I'd come back as a sparrow, so I could look down ladies' blouses"
Pere; thats no good Dud, you'd want to look down Sparrow's blouses...I fink I'd come back as a Royal Corgi, it would be a step up in life and I'd get to sniff the royal parts
Dud: Were better off not knowing Pete
Pete; I asked the Rev Evans this and he said,be a New Guinean, theyve never heard of God and cant get the blame, so all these Guineans are taking our place Dud
Dud; Well I havent told a soul Peter, but I blame Paul, I fink Paul's got a bloody lot to answer for
Pete; Him an 'is bleedin' letters. You can just picture it Dud, it's a sunny Etruscan morning, George and Deidre are on the balcony with a breakfast of hard boiled kipper...
Dud; Boats scudding on the ocean, little children larfin'
Pete;thats right Dud,it's a lovely scene when TAP TAP on the bloody door it's a letter..
Dud; from Paul?
Pete; they think it's good news , perhaps grandad has died and left them that vinyard on Vesuvious...but no
"Dear George and Deidre, stop 'evin' a good time, start whipping yourselves, Gods about!"
Dud; I wish he'd manifest 'imself more, part the clouds an' say Hello I'm God you can believe in me"
Pete ; he cant go round all the fates you know he'd just devalue 'imself
Dud ; so once every million years then
Pete; when ive got a cold I say "dear god, if your there, hear my prayer, if your not there dont bother, but ..if you are make my cold go away by Saturday an' I'll believe in you", when Saturday comes an' your better you dont know if it's him or if it got better anyway"
Dud"Its best to stay prognostic...'ere do you fink he's been listening?
Pete; well if exists he's everywhere
Dud; oh we better look religious then
Pete : [ in very bored voice] Wanna cup of tea Dud?
Dud : Thank yew nuffin' like a nice cup of tea
Pete ; ........"I was reading the Bible the other day...I was reading that bit about Izemar begettin Omah and Omah begatting this other bloke,and do you know how much begatting there is in the bible?
Dud ; Adam and Eve,funny how they could make all them different coloured people
Pete; well it's an allergy Dud,the Bible is a historical record. Of course, when you fink of it the whole thing could be a hoax,I mean you might be good Christian all your life,go to church each sunday,pop yer clogs and theres Buddha larfing all over his stupid chinese face his belly wobbling, saying "nah nah you were wrong, we were right" sends you back as a worm
Dud:"What would you come back as Pete? I'd come back as a sparrow, so I could look down ladies' blouses"
Pere; thats no good Dud, you'd want to look down Sparrow's blouses...I fink I'd come back as a Royal Corgi, it would be a step up in life and I'd get to sniff the royal parts
Dud: Were better off not knowing Pete
Pete; I asked the Rev Evans this and he said,be a New Guinean, theyve never heard of God and cant get the blame, so all these Guineans are taking our place Dud
Dud; Well I havent told a soul Peter, but I blame Paul, I fink Paul's got a bloody lot to answer for
Pete; Him an 'is bleedin' letters. You can just picture it Dud, it's a sunny Etruscan morning, George and Deidre are on the balcony with a breakfast of hard boiled kipper...
Dud; Boats scudding on the ocean, little children larfin'
Pete;thats right Dud,it's a lovely scene when TAP TAP on the bloody door it's a letter..
Dud; from Paul?
Pete; they think it's good news , perhaps grandad has died and left them that vinyard on Vesuvious...but no
"Dear George and Deidre, stop 'evin' a good time, start whipping yourselves, Gods about!"
Dud; I wish he'd manifest 'imself more, part the clouds an' say Hello I'm God you can believe in me"
Pete ; he cant go round all the fates you know he'd just devalue 'imself
Dud ; so once every million years then
Pete; when ive got a cold I say "dear god, if your there, hear my prayer, if your not there dont bother, but ..if you are make my cold go away by Saturday an' I'll believe in you", when Saturday comes an' your better you dont know if it's him or if it got better anyway"
Dud"Its best to stay prognostic...'ere do you fink he's been listening?
Pete; well if exists he's everywhere
Dud; oh we better look religious then